*heavy sigh*

GUILTY

I have been lucky. I have worked part-time since Cy was born. I work three days a week. I like my job, I like contributing to my family financially and working was just something I always knew would be part of my life. I have never felt guilty about working. Unfortunately, that all came to an end today. Both the boys had games tonight. Tonight was my "late" night at work so I knew I would miss their games but I MISSED MY SONS FIRST HOME RUN!! I was on the phone with my Mom when it happened, so I got a taste of the excitement, but I was too late. I felt terrible!!! I cried the rest of the way to the ballpark. I got there in time to see his last hit, a double. He was so excited to tell me about the home run and didn't seem disappointed that I wasn't there. My husband didn't see it either (the game was at 5:00, who has games at 5:00?) but Nolan didn't feel guilty about it. He wishes he had seen it but I wouldn't say he felt guilty. I am sure he didn't cry about it and he won't loose sleep about it tonight. I am actually confident he won't give it much more thought. And that is NOT because he doesn't care, he cares a great deal. That's because he isn't a Mom. He doesn't suffer from Mom guilt.

Mom guilt starts as soon as you get pregnant. Did I take my vitamins everyday, Did I hurt the baby with my non-stop Diet Pepsi addiction, is my baby going to be deaf because I went to Motley Crue while pregnant (ha, ha. That's for you Tara)? And it doesn't stop. People do not warn you about this. You will never take a guilt-free shower again. You will question most decisions you make. The things I tend to feel guilt about vary tremendously. I feel guilty that I am so far behind on my scrap booking, that Cole is a typical second child with too few videotapes of him, that we are not saving enough for college, that I am being too hard on them, that I am not being hard enough on them, that I said the wrong thing, that I haven't worked hard enough on times tables with them, that they don't eat enough fruits and vegetables, that I forgot to pack him a lunch and on and on and on.............

For me it was easier when my kids were littler to balance my time. When they were younger, we were on my schedule for the most part. Now I am on their schedule. School, ball, friends, etc all are scheduled at times that may or may not work for me. Being the control freak who really likes to get her way, this is a hard pill for me to swallow. I feel like I run around with like a chicken with my head cut off half of the time. I realize I only have 2 kids too. I cannot imagine having more. I have a friend with 4 boys and I cringe thinking of her schedule with sports and such. A little more than a year ago, I had to get a Blackberry because I was feeling bad about forgetting the littlest things all the time. A reminder goes off for me every 5 minutes about the most ridiculous of things. But it has helped to keep me on task which helps alleviate some of my guilt. I love my Blackberry. I NEED my Blackberry.

So today I breathed a heavy sigh of frustration because my guilt will do me no good, but it won't go away either. That heavy sigh reminded me of a story of some of my first Mom guilt. It is a story that makes me laugh now because it is so ridiculous, but there was a time I didn't think it was funny, not funny at all. I will try to give you the short version. Cy was a moniker that I was not 100% sold on but I let Nolan win that fight. The first night that we had Cy home from the hospital was a rough one. We were up all night. At 6 am, I called my Mom and Dad and had them relieve us so we could get some sleep. After me and Nolan got a nap in we were visiting with my parents and watching TV. A commercial came on that showed kids who were displeased with what was for dinner or something like that. They would cut to a kid rolling his eyes and the announcer would say "the eye roll, hands on the hips" whatever it might be but the last one I remember for sure. They showed a little boy and the announcer said "the heavy sigh." The heavy sigh?!? It stopped me dead in my tracks. I started to cry. When my husband and parents questioned why I had started to cry, I angrily told them "Heavy sigh!!" They looked at me like I was crazy. "If he is chubby" I told them, "the other kids will call him Heavy Cy." They all laughed hysterically and I cried even harder.

Looking back, it is probably something I didn't need to feel so guilty about. Hopefully I feel the same way about this night too......someday.

I also feel guilty about blogging too infrequently. More posts to follow tomorrow so I can check that off my guilt list.

Winter Blues

I have noticed a trend in my blogging habits. I rarely post anything early in the year. I catch up on December's events in January and then I do not even take a photo much less feel the need to blog until the weather gets nicer. This year is no different. I am so tired of winter I could scream. This has seemed like a much harsher winter than in the past. I'm a native Utahn and a pea coat, maybe some gloves, have always treated me right. This year was bitter and I found myself avoiding any task that took me outdoors. Not even the need for groceries could talk me into venturing out. Cy played Jr. Jazz and was awesome. I took my camera only one game. One game, that's fine, right? Well not when it is the last game and you forget the memory card. Way to go. MOTY award already lost and it was only January. His team did great. Only lost one game. Nolan coached them with help from our BF's, Jeremy Jewkes. Thanks to Tara, my BF and his wife, for lending him out on Saturday mornings. Cy plays basketball just like his dad. He is an abnormally aggressive player for such a nice guy. I love what a nice boy Cy is, but I do not want him being pushed around. So, I think it is okay for him to learn to stand up for himself and through basketball makes it a little easier (I guess). Cole loved Cy's basketball as much if not more than Cy because he got to play with his BF, Ryker, it is a budding bromance for sure. Cole is doing awesome in kindergarten and learning to read. My parents help out in the boys' classroom once a week and Cole and his girlfriend, that's right, girlfriend Hannah were sitting by each other. Cole completed the task correctly and Hannah proceeded to kiss him on the forehead for his good work. All witnessed by a reliable source, Papa. What the? What am I going to do with these boys? I can see the light at the end of the tunnel though. We went to the park on deceiving cool, but sunshiney day, we are gearing up for a trip to Disneyland the first of April and baseball starts this week despite the weather. Spring will get here, it always does. Just wish it would hurry up.

December

The Jewkes' Annual Christmas Party

Oh Boy, you'll shoot you're eye out! I hope Santa made a good choice here.

An Electric Scooter from Santa

It was a Christmas full of weapons; Airsoft gun, BB Gun and Nerf Gun. Such Boys. Bop It Challenge Successful gift giving

Cole still likes to help everyone open their gifts.

Leaving Reindeer food on the lawn.

The boys and their elf "Buddy"

Getting cookies and milk ready for Santa.

Jackpot!!

The Skiby's

I am finally getting around to photos from Christmas. We had a wonderful Christmas Eve and Day with family. We spent our traditional Christmas Eve at my parent's home. We ate a delicious dinner, opened Christmas Eve gifts and played Creationary. It is like Pictionary but with Lego's. So fun. I would recommend it to a friend. We got an early start on the evening festivities. That was awesome. Nolan had not had Christmas Eve off of work for a few years. Both of us took some time off before Christmas, again a welcomed first.

Everyone headed to our home on Christmas morning. After years of running out the door on Christmas morning, the last two years we have hosted at our house. It is nice that the boys get to play with their toys ALL day instead of spending time running around. While everyone is falling for it, it is my new favorite tradition. I made a egg "stuffing" in the crock pot and chili verde ahead of time for Breakfast burritos, mmm! We ate, hung out with the family, ate, played Bop It (another recommendation), ate, watched Christmas Story, ate, took a nap and then headed to Nolan's parents for more eating and more game playing. We stayed in our jammies all day and that was fabulous.

Early December was different from past Decembers. We didn't see the lights, or the gingerbread houses or go sledding. Nolan did not go to one Christmas Party!! We had all gotten the flu in mid-December and that messed up some of our plans. We (me and the boys) went to the Jewkes' Christmas party, which was a success as always. I had a work Christmas party, no spouses allowed and my Sub-for Santa party with my girlfirends. But I did not do my usual "over-holidaying" as Nolan calls it. Shh! Don't tell him but it was kind of nice.

Our heart broke with Nolan's sister, Melanie, who lost the love of her life on December 21. Ben had fought a hard fight against cancer,and won, then succumbed to Graft vs. Host disease after a bone marrow transplant. He was a trooper and Melanie was by his side through his entire journey. I am so proud of Melanie. She is a wonderful example of what a good partner, lover and friend is. She treated Ben so kind and lovingly. He had to know how much he was loved. We enjoyed hearing Melanie's stories about Ben and appreciated her sharing a little bit of him with us. Melanie worked hard to work out many details and provided strength and support to others. Isn't it odd how it works out that way? I am always surprised by how family and friends rally to lift you up during these hard times. The offers of help, love and support were abundant. Ben and Melanie have so many people who wanted to express their love for them. We love them too.

New(ish) Pictures

We had these pictures taken in August, but because I was holding off their debut for the Christmas cards, I had not posted them. Initially, I was disappointed with them. Then I realized I was just taken back by how grown up they both look. Such handsome, amazing little guys. I love them so much.

He makes us laugh

I am unsucessfully trying to post some pictures, but wanted to tell this story so I won't forget it.
On Christmas Eve, the boys slept together. They were visiting instead of sleeping and we heard Cy tell Cole that when he was 6 years old, Santa opened his door and said "What a cute litte one." I thought that was such a sweet little tale that Cy had told. Cole couldn't be outdone so he told Cy that last year Santa came in and whispered to him, "You're the cutest."

Look If You Dare

I love Halloween. It is one of my favorite holidays. I love all the activities that surround it too. This year we hosted the kids Halloween party, took the boys on a date night to the Haunted Railroad and Trick or Treated, of course. Here are some of pictures from our fun month.

Trick or Treated with our little vampire and outlaw on a cold and rainy Halloween night.

Met the "little ladies" for brunch with the Witches at Gardner Village.

Little stinkers making their "dead" faces after a fun night on the Haunted Railroad and a dinner date with Mom. Initially, I thought that this train ride was a little lame, but it turned out pretty good. Scared the heck out of Cole but he is already asking to go again next year.

Okay, here are the scary pictures. This year I hired a company to bring some creepy crawlers to our Halloween party. After threatening the owner of the company with bodily harm if he put the tarantula anywhere near me, we got this party started. The kids were not at all afraid of any of it. They got to see a rose haired tarantula, a scorpion, a ferret, a turtle, a bird eating tarantula, two snakes and a boa constrictor. I was horrified, the kids loved it.

EEK! This one still makes me cringe!

The Bird Eating Tarantula. This luckily, stayed in it cage.

Adorable little blood sucker.

New York

My generous and lovely mother took me to NYC this September and as I sit down to blog I am kicking myself for a few things. First for not taking more pictures, second for not bringing my nice camera and lastly for not writing all this down sooner so I would be more accurate.

We started out by taking the red eye which accounts for the fact that I almost have no pictures from our first day, I was exhausted. I didn't fall asleep until we started the decent into NY. A fellow traveler told me I would immediately be met by the excitement and energy of the city. This was true but I was also met by the comfort of the back seat of the taxi cab and slept all the way to the hotel. It was extra busy in the city, the President was speaking at the UN and many of the city streets were shut down making for a longer than usual commute....thank goodness.

We were not able to check in because we arrived early in the morning. Not near early enough though. Our plane delay had fouled up our plans to try to get tickets to Letterman and The View as well as get to the Today Show. Oh well, we were super touristy and jumped on the double decker bus. We had an adorable tour guide. Our first NY experience? I had an encounter with the rudest man ever and Mom saw a guy peeing in the street. He didn't even stop walking. Hilarious. We followed an old, very fast, Asian women through Canal Street for about 8 blocks where we may or may not have bought some knock off Tiffany jewelry.

We enjoyed our trip through the downtown area of NYC, but I could NOT keep my eyes open for one more minute. We went back to our hotel for a nap and ventured out again later in the evening. We took the advice of a friend of mine who lived in NYC for a few years and went to Grand Central Station for dinner. Making our way down there we ran into a pedicab driver who offered us a ride for what my mom heard as a dollar. Now we all know you cannot get anything for a dollar in NY. He had a thick polish accent and the fee certainly was lost in translation with us. I felt sorry for him hauling our butts up and down the streets of NY, his gears where popping and he was pouring sweat. I felt sorry for him until he told us the price.....$50. It was $1 a block per person. And then I am pretty sure he made some stuff up. It was not funny when it happened but hilarious as we were winding down to go to bed. Stupid tourists.

Grand Central station. We had a delicious meal in an old restaurant here. This building is beautiful. We left and I thought that with my "excellent sense of direction" I could easily get us back to the hotel and save us money after being ripped off by the pedicab. I instead got us VERY lost and on the wrong side of the city. We walked and walked. We crashed when we got back. As a matter of fact, we slept until 10 am!

Day 2 - Much more refreshed after a great nights sleep. Taking the double decker tour bus again through Uptown NY. I think. If any of you are NY aficionados, I am sure I am going to be making up half what follows here.

Soup Nazi

Columbus Square

Although we are not members of the LDS church, I was excited to see this. Felt like home :)

This is the apartment building that John Lennon lived in at the time of his death. He was shot out in front of it.

Gorgeous apartment building across from Central Park. I think Sting lives here. Or maybe it was Bono. I don't know, it's lovely though.

This fountain had a story - some good vs. evil representation. Again, wish I would have written this stuff down.

This is a church that has been being constructed for over 150 years and will not be done for another 100 years.

Columbia University

My very favorite part of NY was Central Park. Just gorgeous and something that New Yorkers really need in such a crowded and busy city. It was what I needed too after being a little overwhelmed by the craziness of the city.

There are all these little tunnels all over. I thought this was so cute, this mom was taking her baby down to the tunnel to listen to a women playing her violin.

Besthesda Fountain. Met the cutest father and son from Australia out in front of it.

We walked into one of the tunnels and this group was singing Hallelujah, my mom's favorite song, it was one of those perfect little moments.

Had lunch at the Boat House.

The Mall in Central Park. Gorgeous.

Jersey Boys was what prompted this vacation. I has seen it in Las Vegas and knew that my mom would love it. I suggested that we take a long weekend trip to LV, she thought NYC sounded like a better idea. Who was I to argue? It was as good the second time and was fun getting to see how much my mom loved it. There was also this guy in the front row who really, really LOVED it. He was distracting but a riot to watch. I loved how much he loved it.

After Jersey Boys we went to the Stardust Diner because of a recommendation by a patient of mine. Initially, I thought it was super cheesy. The waiters and waitresses sing whatever song they choose. But when they started singing.....Oh, my! They were unbelievable!!! I cannot believe the talent in this town if these are the people who end up waiting tables in a diner in Time Square.

The view from the area where we got on the Harbor tour. This is the financial district. Really beautiful area.

Lady Liberty

Ok, really? I asked a women to talk our picture in front of the Statue of Liberty. There is her torch poking out the back of my head. I didn't feel good about it but didn't want to be rude by checking her work right in front of her. By he time I did, a lost photo op.

One of the many beautiful bridges. Beats me which one it is.

After our harbor tour we went to Ground Zero. The site itself is just a construction area and the noise and hustle made it hard to feel the power of what happened there. That is until we walked across the street to St. Paul's. It is the church that acted as a headquarter for the rescue efforts. Many of the flyers that were posted with missing people on them are still there, as well as other memorabilia. It was so emotional. The sadness of those days, as well as the beauty of the city and country pulling together can be felt very strongly here. It is a lovely memorial to those who died and to the rescuers who risked their lives.

St. Paul's

This is the graveyard out in front of the church and across the street through the trees is Ground Zero. It is amazing that this church, as well as the headstones are still intact, this is an 18th century church.

We went to The Top of the Rock. The top of Rockefeller Plaza. The views are stunning.

The Empire State Building

View of Central Park

Mom at the Top

We also took an NBC Studio Tour. I love that junk so I really liked that part. We waited in line for stand by tickets to the dress rehearsal for SNL. We knew that we were not going to get in as we were 147 and 148 for stand by but we met many nice people in line.

St. Patrick's Cathedral

One of the loveliest buildings I have every been in. Obviously, my photos are not doing it justice.

Time Square. This is the craziest place I have ever been. It is so loud and so busy and crowded. It was my least favorite part of NY, but something everyone should see.

I thought that my Mom had seen Wicked when it was in SLC and was happy to be reminded that she had not. We got tickets for the Sunday matinee, a nice little surprise. I had heard that it was great and amazing and guess what? It was. It was funny, sad, thought provoking, clever and a wonderful way to spend almost 3 hours. I cried at the end of it, why? Because I was so proud of the performers in it. They were amazing.

Garbage. I was obsessed with the garbage. These black bags are full of garbage.

Our last day we headed down to The Today Show. This picture wraps up that experience. No Matt, no Meredith, Ann was there but couldn't be found. It was freezing after being unseasonably hot the rest of the trip. We did see Al and we were spotted on TV during the Hoda and Kathy Lee hour by Aunt Gale and we phoned my Dad in time to get it recorded.

Almost famous.

Another funny story that I do not have any photographic evidence of was when someone stole my mom's drink. We had not made having a fabulous dining experience part of our trip. We were way too busy sight seeing so we would be starving and eat whatever we ran into. Which means we ate at The Olive Garden one night. Haha! I don't care what anyone thinks, it was clean and air conditioned. And frankly, delicious. Anyway, on our last night there we went into Greenwich Village. We just stumbled upon this place called Garage. We had the most delicious meal there. We also had a gracious and attentive waitress, something new for this trip. We sat out near the sidewalk and we were visiting with her when a man walked past our table and took my Mom's drink right off of the table. Because we were looking at the waitress we didn't see what had happened but she had. She yelled at him, then his girlfriend yelled at our waitress. We sat it the middle, stunned by what was going on. It was kinda scary....then hysterical.

Thank you, thank you to my Mom for taking me on this trip. It was so wonderful and more wonderful because I was with her. I am so glad we had this time together. Love ya, Mom.