*heavy sigh*

GUILTY

I have been lucky. I have worked part-time since Cy was born. I work three days a week. I like my job, I like contributing to my family financially and working was just something I always knew would be part of my life. I have never felt guilty about working. Unfortunately, that all came to an end today. Both the boys had games tonight. Tonight was my "late" night at work so I knew I would miss their games but I MISSED MY SONS FIRST HOME RUN!! I was on the phone with my Mom when it happened, so I got a taste of the excitement, but I was too late. I felt terrible!!! I cried the rest of the way to the ballpark. I got there in time to see his last hit, a double. He was so excited to tell me about the home run and didn't seem disappointed that I wasn't there. My husband didn't see it either (the game was at 5:00, who has games at 5:00?) but Nolan didn't feel guilty about it. He wishes he had seen it but I wouldn't say he felt guilty. I am sure he didn't cry about it and he won't loose sleep about it tonight. I am actually confident he won't give it much more thought. And that is NOT because he doesn't care, he cares a great deal. That's because he isn't a Mom. He doesn't suffer from Mom guilt.

Mom guilt starts as soon as you get pregnant. Did I take my vitamins everyday, Did I hurt the baby with my non-stop Diet Pepsi addiction, is my baby going to be deaf because I went to Motley Crue while pregnant (ha, ha. That's for you Tara)? And it doesn't stop. People do not warn you about this. You will never take a guilt-free shower again. You will question most decisions you make. The things I tend to feel guilt about vary tremendously. I feel guilty that I am so far behind on my scrap booking, that Cole is a typical second child with too few videotapes of him, that we are not saving enough for college, that I am being too hard on them, that I am not being hard enough on them, that I said the wrong thing, that I haven't worked hard enough on times tables with them, that they don't eat enough fruits and vegetables, that I forgot to pack him a lunch and on and on and on.............

For me it was easier when my kids were littler to balance my time. When they were younger, we were on my schedule for the most part. Now I am on their schedule. School, ball, friends, etc all are scheduled at times that may or may not work for me. Being the control freak who really likes to get her way, this is a hard pill for me to swallow. I feel like I run around with like a chicken with my head cut off half of the time. I realize I only have 2 kids too. I cannot imagine having more. I have a friend with 4 boys and I cringe thinking of her schedule with sports and such. A little more than a year ago, I had to get a Blackberry because I was feeling bad about forgetting the littlest things all the time. A reminder goes off for me every 5 minutes about the most ridiculous of things. But it has helped to keep me on task which helps alleviate some of my guilt. I love my Blackberry. I NEED my Blackberry.

So today I breathed a heavy sigh of frustration because my guilt will do me no good, but it won't go away either. That heavy sigh reminded me of a story of some of my first Mom guilt. It is a story that makes me laugh now because it is so ridiculous, but there was a time I didn't think it was funny, not funny at all. I will try to give you the short version. Cy was a moniker that I was not 100% sold on but I let Nolan win that fight. The first night that we had Cy home from the hospital was a rough one. We were up all night. At 6 am, I called my Mom and Dad and had them relieve us so we could get some sleep. After me and Nolan got a nap in we were visiting with my parents and watching TV. A commercial came on that showed kids who were displeased with what was for dinner or something like that. They would cut to a kid rolling his eyes and the announcer would say "the eye roll, hands on the hips" whatever it might be but the last one I remember for sure. They showed a little boy and the announcer said "the heavy sigh." The heavy sigh?!? It stopped me dead in my tracks. I started to cry. When my husband and parents questioned why I had started to cry, I angrily told them "Heavy sigh!!" They looked at me like I was crazy. "If he is chubby" I told them, "the other kids will call him Heavy Cy." They all laughed hysterically and I cried even harder.

Looking back, it is probably something I didn't need to feel so guilty about. Hopefully I feel the same way about this night too......someday.

I also feel guilty about blogging too infrequently. More posts to follow tomorrow so I can check that off my guilt list.